Writing this article was not easy, I must admit. I procrastinated until the last minute because it is such a deep and complex topic. Initially, I thought it would be simple to talk about consent, but I quickly realized that is not the case—let me explain why.
Since I began working in sex education, giving workshops, and discussing consent, I have noticed a few patterns: regardless of the gender assigned at birth, many of us struggle with accepting consent, especially when it is denied. Even I have faced challenges with this! But the good news is that consent can be practiced, and once you understand its “rules,” navigating it becomes as smooth as a pleasant walk in the woods or on the beach—it all gets easier.
How can we train consent?
We can practice asking for it, giving or denying it, and receiving the response—whatever the answer may be.
These actions can be verbal or nonverbal. Think about the dance floor when you are dancing Forró. Someone might approach you and ask, “Do you want to dance?” either verbally or by extending their hand, palm up.
Here’s a suggestion:
- For those asking, remember that only an enthusiastic “yes” is truly a yes (this complements the well-known “no means no”).
- For those being asked, take a moment to feel in your body whether you want to dance or not. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to manage how the other person may feel or react if you decline.
On Denial
Now, let’s talk about denial. Without delving into its psychological aspects, all of us must learn to connect with what we genuinely want to do. I touched on this in the previous article. It is also important to reassure your inner child that being told “no” doesn’t define your worth. The other person is not rejecting you as a person—they might simply want to do something else: rest, dance to a different song, get a drink, sing by the stage, or even dance alone.
We all can agree that getting a “yes” to our requests or proposals feels great. But what about when the answer is “no”? Ask yourself: “How do I feel when something is denied?” This is something to reflect on—perhaps even discuss with your therapist.
In Conclusion
It’s essential to practice asking for and accepting consent, understanding body language (both ours and others’), being present, and learning how to clearly express or accept a denial—even though, unfortunately, we know this isn’t always enough.
Before finishing, may I ask:
- When was the last time you asked for permission to do something with another person or their belongings?
- When was the last time someone said “no” and you accepted it pleasantly?
- When was the last time someone sought your permission before doing something with you?
Till next month!
Maria Luisa Candellieri, sex educator and forrozeira.
Forró Events 